Reflection

Looking in the mirror and seeing what I see I wouldn't wish on anyone. I see a failure. My failure is to keep my son alive I barely kept my daughter alive. I see someone who deserves nothing of the happiness my daughter brings but I'll gladly soak up every ounce because it helps heal me in that moment I am whole. I am not missing a part of my heart. I am complete in that minute with her smiling or laughing at me. Than the world starts moving and I'm shattered again, I am reminded I'm not whole or complete. I never will be for I am a mother to an angel child. A baby to wonderful for earth. The only part of him that still lives is his connection with his twin. I live for her smiles her laughter I wait biting my nails for the horrible milestones which will make her more independent less needing me. I sit and reflect on all I've lost and all I've gained and I can tell you it kinda evens out but the pain mind numbing heartache will never leave. People tell me to get over it, they tell me he saved your life now live it. It's not that easy its not that simple. I envy those that do not know this pain I'm sorry for those that do. Reflection isn't all it's cracked up to be.