Rough Day

So yesterday was a...... rough day you could say. I cried a lot yesterday realizing that it is coming up on a year sense my son left this earth. Now I'm sure some of you are saying why is she still talking about him and why cant she just get over it and blah blah blah. I am an angel mother, I miss and love my son dearly. Even if you don't understand it or if you do (I'm sorry). I was looking at my facebook which by the way is covered in pictures of my daughter and her daddy, I realized that I should be having pictures with the three of them making funny faces I should have to make the snap decision who is making the crazier face to take the picture of. But I don't have to because my son was taken from me. I only have an angel watching out for me not a (hopefullly) soon to be crawling baby boy. My daughter will never know what it is like to have an older brother by her side or maybe a few minutes younger (who knows). I wanted her to know that, I wanted her to have her twin. I feel so guilty because I didn't know I was carrying twins so every time someone would say oh your gonna give your family twins I would say NO way I'm not I'm not ready for two babies...... Is god punishing me for saying no is that why he took my sweet baby boy away? Is that why I only have one in a set of two?? Was I deemed unworthy because I said I wasn't ready for two babies?? Is it my fault?? If it is I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that I want my son if i could change it I would? All i want is to have both my kids under my roof. I need them, I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of depression because I didn't let myself feel sad while I was pregnant with Selene. So now I have a year of suppressed depression which I know isn't good for me, or my baby. I just want to be happy I just want to love life again. I just want a lot is what it seems but I don't try to ask to much so maybe just maybe someone can help me. Who knows I sure as hell don't and I'm sure you don't so why ask..... because I want to be better for Selene she needs me to Momma loves you Anthony Lynn more than the stars in the sky and brighter than the brightest sun