Pondering

As I sit here at my parents house with my daughter in the swing, I am thinking. I know I haven't really been writing lately and I wonder why. I have honestly stepped back from some of my baby loss groups. I think that I wanted some time away from my loss. My Anthony is always with me and always will be but I was starting to feel as though I was missing out on my life because my depression was starting to consume me. And I didn't want that. Yes I want my daughter to know of her twin but I don't want her to think that it is a sad thing. Yes it is sad but I want her to be happy she has a twin brother watching over her from heaven. I know my husband thinks I'm insane missing something we barely had so much but he was my baby. I'll always miss him and love him. Momma misses you baby boy.Visit me in my dreams so momma can rock you and hold you.

Wondering

Thinking about who you would be. Would you love tummy time or would you hate it like your sister? Would you love me like your sister loves your daddy? These questions make my heart break my eyes water and my arms ache. I dream of you and your sister eventually playing. I dream of you all the time mommy misses you. I know alway look at your sister and think I should have one more baby rolling over. I love your sister and your dad but I miss you to. I wish that I had you both. I wish things hadn't gone horribly wrong last March. I love you and miss you baby boy

Almost here feeling gone

The day I found out you existed is almost here March 13th 2011 and you were my world my life. All of a sudden I thought for someone so little so helpless. And at the time I thought their was only one of you. I thought that their would only be one baby to expand my heart come to find out their was to. I denied it when everyone said your going to have twins. I said no because no one in my family has had twins and yet you two existed together for a short amount of time. By still you lived. I loved you with all of my heart and I know that you love me and miss me.I cannot believe it has almost been a year sense you graced my life with yours. And almost a year sense you left. I miss u and love you. Please watch over your sister and your dad.

Countdown

The count down till the day you left me has started I have 23 days till it has been one year. I'm honestly not looking forward to it. I lost the cupcake charming bought for you yesterday. And the keychain I have with your name and date is losing all it's oil. And I feel like my world is slowly falling apart. I miss you. I know I didn't hold you or kiss you. Hell I didn't even know I had two small people inside me and I hate that I now know the pain of losing some one so small someone who I didn't even know but loved so completely. Are you watching over us? Is it you your sister talks to? I don't know I do know that you need to look out for her and your momma and your daddy. We all miss you. I know you didn't stay long but the few weeks I had you I loved it. I would gladly go through my entire pregnancy again if it meant I could have you back. My life isn't the same, I'm not the same. I'm broken and ugly on the inside. But I put a happy face on for your dad and your sister she needs me. They both need me . I know that and I know that I need to be strong for them. But it's hard and tiring trying to be happy all the time. It used to be no big deal. I could smile with the best of them. And now I frown and hid and try not to stand out. I want to blend in so people won't see what I've become. A sad broken half a person human being. Man I sound sad and ridiculous and I know this but it's how I feel.

March

The dreaded month has finally arrived :/. After a year the month of doom is here. I know that every year March has come and gone and every year I treated it as every other month because it wasn't any thing special. However this year the month brings my sons first angel anniversary in heaven. I have gotten birthday cake smelling tarts or melters. They are in the shape of feet and are blue and pink for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. I cannot wait to melt them until than I am melting green feet smelling of cheese cake. I am stronger because of everything I've been through. My husband and I are stronger as a couple. I miss my son and will always miss him. I love him. My daughter got her bear in the mail today from project B.E.A.R. She has played with it and say in her swing with it. I of course took a picture. And I wanted to cry it is the only picture I will ever have of them. My daughter and a beat in memory for her brother. Her twin the one who will always watch over her. I love you little man. Mommy misses you and loves you.

Unsure

I'm unsure as to what I should be feeling. Your one year is coming up and I still am depressed. I still miss you. I still want you back. I am hoping once March is over I hope I feel a little better. I have a couple things coming in the mail soon with your name on them. I think I will feel better once I have some tangible. I hope that once I have something to hold that has your name on it I won't be as depressed. I love u baby boy. Mommy missed you. I wish you hadn't left but understand that you were to beautiful for earth. Can you image if you and your sister were together here on earth the trouble you two would get into. I miss you I love you baby.

Living life

Moving forward from the past to build your future. I believe all people learn from others past in my sorrow I have learned it could be much much worse. No grief is greater or less than another's but it is different all equal in sadness. But what I find truly saddening is when people do not learn. Every one should turn an experience into a learning one. I have learned from my parents mistakes. I have become a better person because I have learned from other people. My life is richer because I know no matter what I have people behind me to help fix my mistakes. Not many people will admit to wrong doings but I will. I am not a perfect person and neither are you but we are not horrible people. We make mistakes we learn we grow and than we move on. We are young no matter how old we can always learn something . Always love yourself your children your family and your other half make mistakes but learn from them. Till next time much love and respect :).

Questions????

Why is it when a girl is in an unhappy coupling do they stay? Is it out of desperation? Is it because they believe no one loves them? What about when their are children in the mix? Do u stay for the sake of the child? Do u think they like seeing their mommy degraded and pushed around like a rag doll? Do you think your children like spending every birthday Christmas Easter and any other holiday wishing hoping praying for you to move on? I always wondered what was the mentality of these women. I mean yea I get the guy is mean or you believe you love him I get it honestly I do. However where is the line for you? Does it take a trip to the hospital? Does it take your child a trip to the er? Or does it take 12 years of one of your kids saying mommy this isn't right? All I know is I would never want my daughter in this kind of home! I want better for her. I want to give her a childhood filled of good memories not a horrible mix of them both I want her to look and me and not know the hurt I have felt with. I live for her why don't other mothers live for their daughters?

Sick :/

Getting sick is never fun. Especially when you have a three month old to take care of. I hate when I get sick. But I mean who doesnt. I don't know of one person who likes it. Being sick on Valentine's Day was horrible I could barely talk and I didn't want to eat. I just wanted to lay in bed bug I cannot do these things any longer because I am a wife and a mother. I need to take care of my family. How was your Valentine's Day with your significant other? Did it take your breath away? Did they sweep you off your feet? Did you turn into a puddle of goo? I know that this Valentine's Day was not like that for me. Not that it was my husbands fault but hey go figure right? Men sometimes are dense! But we can't and sometimes wouldn't change it. I know I wouldn't change my husband for anything. I am having a good solid day. No tears have been let go. I'm feeling this much stronger. I have finally coming to understand that our past is our past you cannot change it but you can change your future :). I'm trying to get better for my baby. My small love. My reason for everything. Well I must go things to do :) and husband's to bug.

My new normal

I had a old normal and middle normal and now I have my new normal. Mind you I love my old normal it just isn't me anymore. I used to be the happy go lucky always see the positive side of the dark cloud. Than the worst thing that could happen during a pregnancy happened I miscarried one of my babies. I now have a new normal I now have a new level of sadness and a new level of self worth. My new normal is taking care of my daughter knowing I could be taking care of two my new normal is watching my daughter hit mile stones and knowing their should be another baby (my son) also hitting thoes same mile stones with her. My new normal is looking away when I see twins because it hurts my heart to know I should have twins and don't. My new normal is by passing the stroller isle in babies r us with the twin strollers. My new normal sucks. But it's me it's my life feeling the loss of my child every day while holding on to my daughter is my new normal. My daughter and my husband are the things that get me going my son is the reason for my tear that I don't cry. My new normal is polar opposite of my old normal and slightly different than my middle normal. My middle normal was being able to say his name and not wanna rip out my heart. My middle normal I could still go down every isle in babies r us. My middle normal I even thought about letting Selene wear her thing two onzie that someone one had bought her. But now with my new normal I can't do that. It hurts to much. This is me and my new normal. 

Another time

I've started telling you my story once but didn't finish I cannot tell my story in a full all at once so I've decided it's time to share another part of my story. March 28th is the day I lost my son and also when the took out my appendix. I recovered from surgery and was sent home. I went to my parents house when they let me go. March 31st I got a phone call from the doctor that did my surgery he needed to talk to me so I went to his office and found both my parents their. That's when I knew it was bad news. At 4:24 PM I got the news that their was cancer in my appendix . They didn't know if it had spread but they were sure I had to have another surgery. It was made for April 13 exactly a month after I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, angry, sad, and worried. They told me my baby had less than a 50% chance of living but if I didn't do this we both might not make it. It was a catch 22 for me. So on the day of the surgery they put in the same room that I had lost my son in two weeks before. And the same recovery room where I got the dreaded news of losing my son I got the news my daughter was still alive. I would know in a week the cancer hadn't spread and that I was cancer free and healthy for now. But my other health problems are for another time

Reflection

Looking in the mirror and seeing what I see I wouldn't wish on anyone. I see a failure. My failure is to keep my son alive I barely kept my daughter alive. I see someone who deserves nothing of the happiness my daughter brings but I'll gladly soak up every ounce because it helps heal me in that moment I am whole. I am not missing a part of my heart. I am complete in that minute with her smiling or laughing at me. Than the world starts moving and I'm shattered again, I am reminded I'm not whole or complete. I never will be for I am a mother to an angel child. A baby to wonderful for earth. The only part of him that still lives is his connection with his twin. I live for her smiles her laughter I wait biting my nails for the horrible milestones which will make her more independent less needing me. I sit and reflect on all I've lost and all I've gained and I can tell you it kinda evens out but the pain mind numbing heartache will never leave. People tell me to get over it, they tell me he saved your life now live it. It's not that easy its not that simple. I envy those that do not know this pain I'm sorry for those that do. Reflection isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Depression

Not a fun topic. Hell not a fun word yet it's what I feel like I'm going through. Most women yell post pardum. Yet I've felt this way sense I was pregnant I knew what I was getting into but I didn't expect the sleepless nights that have nothing to do with my newborn daughter and every thing to do with me. I know I'm depressed and most say oh that's 50% of the battle yet I don't feel half of it is won in fact I feel like I have that much father to go I feel more depressed sense I figured out I was depressed than before. It doesn't make sense but their it is. Who knows when it's going to I sure as hell don't but I'd sure like to :/. I try to stay positive for my daughter but it's hard I want to be happy for her but its hard. Their isn't much I can do but I'll plaster my smile on my face and go on like it's nothing like I've been doing for almost a year. We all get their eventually hopefully I will soon but who knows. All I know its half the battle to admit it but today doesn't seem like it. I'm depressed because I feel like I didn't enjoy my pregnancy hardly at all, losing my baby, feeling forgotten by most everyone. Who's really to blame them or me? Did I just pull back to where their was no friendship no family left? I don't know, I do know I miss it. I miss being happy.

Walmart

Walking through Walmart shouldn't make me sad. Yet it does, every time I go to Walmart to get anything I usually pass by the boy section, and think I should have to buy these clothes in a few years yet i wont. I wont have to unless i have a son in 3 or 4 years when we try to have another baby. Until than Selene will grow and go into big girl clothes and I won't have to buy my son clothing or diapers or anything. It makes me mad that so many people complain about having a kid. Like oh I hate when they do this or oh I hate when this happens. I would love to see my son cry, have a temper, to talk, to walk, to run and to get into things. Hell I'd even like to see him get into pots and pans and pretend he is a drummer but I cant. You however can and you push your child on your mother your sister your dad and whoever else you can. And you think your a mom. I don't think so. I would love to be able to hold both my babies but I can't I can only hold one, I can only chase one, I'll only be able to see one grow and marry and you toss your child aside like he is nothing! I don't understand parents like this. I would do anything to get into my sons business to bug him about girlfriends but I the one who wants to cant while you the one who could care less can. How is that fair. How is that right?? Don't tell me God has a plan because I don't see it. I don't see how he could take my son and leave all these parents with children they could care less about. Why can you have your child and I cannot. Why can you sing to your child and I cannot?? It isn't fair but i knew it wouldn't be I knew that I would feel like this well I have something to say if your grown enough to have sex your grown enough to take care of the child that comes after. :( I just wish life was fair I wish that I could hold my son but I cant and I'll never know what it is like to hold him

Live, Love, Laugh

Thinking about everything my husband and I had been through makes me think we have lived through at least 25 years of marriage in the amount of a year. Between all the hospital ER visits, the loss, the hurt, the uncertain, and the fear. Losing our son brought us so close, almost losing our daughter brought us closer, and me being in and out of the hospital brought us the closest. Their isn't much that i don't know about my husband and their isn't much he doesn't know about me. We now know how each will handle certain things that most couples wont find out about till they are married for 3,4,5 or even 6 years. I know someone who has been married for 5 years and been together for 9 years and they haven't dealt with half of what we have, I don't blame them hell I wouldn't wish anything that happened to us on the person i hated the worst in my life. I know everything we have been through makes us stronger and its hard but I feel like we can make it through anything I know we can. I just cant believe that its been a year. My daughter is almost 3 months old and is sleeping through the night hitting milestones like they are nothing. She is trying to sit up on her own and almost kinda has it. Man is that scary, well not scary but heartwarming and sad she is growing and I'm not ready next she will be eating food and saying words and potty training :/. With all of this going on it makes me think what it would be like with two. Would they both sleep through the night? Would they both be hard headed?? Would they both like five fighter death punch (the above song is Selene's favorite song)? Or would my son like my music over his dads?? Would she be a daddy's girl over a mommas girl if her twin was here?? I have so many questions and not so many answers and with everything Selene does I wonder what if her twin was here. What if Anthony was here would he beat her out on crawling and walking or talking. I'm not sure but I do know I miss him. And I know I'll always miss him. And I'll always love him.

A year ago today

I married my best friend. I became Mrs. Thomas Hollier. I love my life as a mother and a wife, and me being a wife all started on this day a year ago. Thomas and I have our fights and disagreement but I mean what normal couple doesn't. I know that things are bleak and I know that things are difficult for people who marry young but I believe in my heart of hearts that Thomas is is for me. He is the father to my rainbow Selene and my angel Anthony. I cannot believe its been a year things are going to get hard with all the up coming dates but I think we got this! I know that if we can get through everything we did last year we can get through anything. We went through fire and came out on the other side better people :). I know that no matter what life throws us we can beat it over come it and still be us. We have our own way of doing things and I for one love it. We are watching movies and eating cake and loving each other. We talked about a lot today and that felt great. I live for our life. I love you baby cakes <3 always your baby bird :)

Fighting... Hate it

I have been fighting with my husband more and more lately and it isn't even really fighting it's he says something that makes me mad i say something back and we don't talk for three or four hours which kind of sucks. We are both hard headed and i hate that. why can’t just one of us suck it up and say I'm sorry and usually it’s me which sucks because I'm tired of always saying sorry like it’s my fault all the time. When in fact today he wanted to figure out why Selene doesn't get medical i was willing to call again tomorrow however a minute and a half into waiting in the line and he gets mad and storms out.... How is it my fault that there are so many people trying to get welfare?? I'm not too sure of this answer but i do however know why we are fighting so much it is because of all the date coming up. The day we got married, the day we found out we were pregnant and the day we lost our son, and also the day we found out i had cancer. I know its stressful, i try to keep my negative emotions away from him because i know he has been through worse and i will never be even close to that however losing our son kills me. I feel like a failure like if i had done one thing different he would still be here. But that isn't the case and it sucks! I know that us being stuck in one room isn't helping us in fact it is hurting us we have only one room where we are comfortable in and we hate it. We need a place where i can go in one room and sit and he can go into the other so we don't drive each other crazy i love him and i love our life however i wish we had more space. We need our own house we need a place where we don't have dogs hair everywhere. I want us to grow old together however i fear that if we don't get out of this house soon we won’t we will be to angry and frustrated with each other. I want my husband for life and i want my daughter to have both of her parents under one roof. I'm sorry were fighting so bad I'm sorry i get angry so quick I'm sorry that we can have space in our own house i love you from now till forever. Please forgive me. I’m sorry that we aren’t having such a good year hopefully things will get better. Our daughter needs both of us. She wants both of us, and I need you. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. 

Life goes on....

Life goes on is what I'm told. It gets easier in time, however I can't believe that yea time goes on seasons change the sun comes and goes you grow older, wiser and a bit more jaded. Life however begins with a pregnancy but with a miscarriage life also ends. The life of a child and also a bit of a mothers soul dies. Nothing hurts more than hearing your child isn't gonna make it. However when this happened to me I lost one and I was still pregnant. How does a mother go on when one of her children is dead. It's hard I'll tell you that. But my life had to go on I had to go on and live even though I wanted to give up I couldn't, I had to think about my husband and my daughter. I wanted to be their for her I had to be able to see her grow up because I knew her twin would never get the chance but she would. I had to honor that, I had to honor his life by watching her grow. He will be watching over us and loving us from afar. I miss him dearly but time goes on wounds heal. Selene is growing nicely she is strong as ever holding up her head and becoming a future Fresno state fan :) well peace love and hope till next time :)

Feeling left....... Alone

So lately with the birth of my daughter and the loss of my son I have been feeling left out and alone in the wood work. Now that's not to say I haven't had people being supportive and welcoming and loving i have, however i also have been left out many people think that just because i suffered a loss meant i didn't want his name mentioned and they rarely talked about the daughter still growing inside of me. I was broken and days i still feel broken but I'm trying to help myself I'm getting my feelings out their because i don't care what you think about it. i lost my son my daughter lost a brother my husband lost a son! And guess what we as a family will always remember him we will always tell our kids how their was supposed to be one more but we lost one. Now after I've given birth i have lost what little friends i did have because i can no longer just up and go i have to pack for a little one possibly feed her before i leave. And most don't like having to wait, I'm OK i have the few friends that i know will always be their. I have my husband who will move hell and earth to make me smile laugh and have a good time and i love him for that. Last night we had a get together at our house a small BBQ, with a few close friends and let me tell you i haven't been that happy sense my daughter was born and before that was when i was married (which was a month and a half before i lost my son). I will remember last night with a fondness because i smiled laughed and felt genuinely good inside. I am starting a touting job this up coming week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and i know the extra 80 a week will help with everything and i love that I'm helping again or i will be i plan on getting my husband his Christmas present because we didn't have money in December to have Christmas i plan on it now. and if he gets on at this new job we can finally start living our life and doing things for us. Hopefully we can save enough to rent a house or apartment. Here's hoping right? Well we will see soon they are hiring in February so i guess its all waiting now right? well for once i am ending this on a happy note. i feel asleep happy woke up happy and am not crying through my writing so that is a plus right? :) thank you for reading for those waiting on your rainbow babies here's some baby dust for those that have them ill get on sending you some color for those grays :) <3

Rough Day

So yesterday was a...... rough day you could say. I cried a lot yesterday realizing that it is coming up on a year sense my son left this earth. Now I'm sure some of you are saying why is she still talking about him and why cant she just get over it and blah blah blah. I am an angel mother, I miss and love my son dearly. Even if you don't understand it or if you do (I'm sorry). I was looking at my facebook which by the way is covered in pictures of my daughter and her daddy, I realized that I should be having pictures with the three of them making funny faces I should have to make the snap decision who is making the crazier face to take the picture of. But I don't have to because my son was taken from me. I only have an angel watching out for me not a (hopefullly) soon to be crawling baby boy. My daughter will never know what it is like to have an older brother by her side or maybe a few minutes younger (who knows). I wanted her to know that, I wanted her to have her twin. I feel so guilty because I didn't know I was carrying twins so every time someone would say oh your gonna give your family twins I would say NO way I'm not I'm not ready for two babies...... Is god punishing me for saying no is that why he took my sweet baby boy away? Is that why I only have one in a set of two?? Was I deemed unworthy because I said I wasn't ready for two babies?? Is it my fault?? If it is I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that I want my son if i could change it I would? All i want is to have both my kids under my roof. I need them, I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of depression because I didn't let myself feel sad while I was pregnant with Selene. So now I have a year of suppressed depression which I know isn't good for me, or my baby. I just want to be happy I just want to love life again. I just want a lot is what it seems but I don't try to ask to much so maybe just maybe someone can help me. Who knows I sure as hell don't and I'm sure you don't so why ask..... because I want to be better for Selene she needs me to Momma loves you Anthony Lynn more than the stars in the sky and brighter than the brightest sun