Reflection

Looking in the mirror and seeing what I see I wouldn't wish on anyone. I see a failure. My failure is to keep my son alive I barely kept my daughter alive. I see someone who deserves nothing of the happiness my daughter brings but I'll gladly soak up every ounce because it helps heal me in that moment I am whole. I am not missing a part of my heart. I am complete in that minute with her smiling or laughing at me. Than the world starts moving and I'm shattered again, I am reminded I'm not whole or complete. I never will be for I am a mother to an angel child. A baby to wonderful for earth. The only part of him that still lives is his connection with his twin. I live for her smiles her laughter I wait biting my nails for the horrible milestones which will make her more independent less needing me. I sit and reflect on all I've lost and all I've gained and I can tell you it kinda evens out but the pain mind numbing heartache will never leave. People tell me to get over it, they tell me he saved your life now live it. It's not that easy its not that simple. I envy those that do not know this pain I'm sorry for those that do. Reflection isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Walmart

Walking through Walmart shouldn't make me sad. Yet it does, every time I go to Walmart to get anything I usually pass by the boy section, and think I should have to buy these clothes in a few years yet i wont. I wont have to unless i have a son in 3 or 4 years when we try to have another baby. Until than Selene will grow and go into big girl clothes and I won't have to buy my son clothing or diapers or anything. It makes me mad that so many people complain about having a kid. Like oh I hate when they do this or oh I hate when this happens. I would love to see my son cry, have a temper, to talk, to walk, to run and to get into things. Hell I'd even like to see him get into pots and pans and pretend he is a drummer but I cant. You however can and you push your child on your mother your sister your dad and whoever else you can. And you think your a mom. I don't think so. I would love to be able to hold both my babies but I can't I can only hold one, I can only chase one, I'll only be able to see one grow and marry and you toss your child aside like he is nothing! I don't understand parents like this. I would do anything to get into my sons business to bug him about girlfriends but I the one who wants to cant while you the one who could care less can. How is that fair. How is that right?? Don't tell me God has a plan because I don't see it. I don't see how he could take my son and leave all these parents with children they could care less about. Why can you have your child and I cannot. Why can you sing to your child and I cannot?? It isn't fair but i knew it wouldn't be I knew that I would feel like this well I have something to say if your grown enough to have sex your grown enough to take care of the child that comes after. :( I just wish life was fair I wish that I could hold my son but I cant and I'll never know what it is like to hold him

Rough Day

So yesterday was a...... rough day you could say. I cried a lot yesterday realizing that it is coming up on a year sense my son left this earth. Now I'm sure some of you are saying why is she still talking about him and why cant she just get over it and blah blah blah. I am an angel mother, I miss and love my son dearly. Even if you don't understand it or if you do (I'm sorry). I was looking at my facebook which by the way is covered in pictures of my daughter and her daddy, I realized that I should be having pictures with the three of them making funny faces I should have to make the snap decision who is making the crazier face to take the picture of. But I don't have to because my son was taken from me. I only have an angel watching out for me not a (hopefullly) soon to be crawling baby boy. My daughter will never know what it is like to have an older brother by her side or maybe a few minutes younger (who knows). I wanted her to know that, I wanted her to have her twin. I feel so guilty because I didn't know I was carrying twins so every time someone would say oh your gonna give your family twins I would say NO way I'm not I'm not ready for two babies...... Is god punishing me for saying no is that why he took my sweet baby boy away? Is that why I only have one in a set of two?? Was I deemed unworthy because I said I wasn't ready for two babies?? Is it my fault?? If it is I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that I want my son if i could change it I would? All i want is to have both my kids under my roof. I need them, I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of depression because I didn't let myself feel sad while I was pregnant with Selene. So now I have a year of suppressed depression which I know isn't good for me, or my baby. I just want to be happy I just want to love life again. I just want a lot is what it seems but I don't try to ask to much so maybe just maybe someone can help me. Who knows I sure as hell don't and I'm sure you don't so why ask..... because I want to be better for Selene she needs me to Momma loves you Anthony Lynn more than the stars in the sky and brighter than the brightest sun