My new normal

I had a old normal and middle normal and now I have my new normal. Mind you I love my old normal it just isn't me anymore. I used to be the happy go lucky always see the positive side of the dark cloud. Than the worst thing that could happen during a pregnancy happened I miscarried one of my babies. I now have a new normal I now have a new level of sadness and a new level of self worth. My new normal is taking care of my daughter knowing I could be taking care of two my new normal is watching my daughter hit mile stones and knowing their should be another baby (my son) also hitting thoes same mile stones with her. My new normal is looking away when I see twins because it hurts my heart to know I should have twins and don't. My new normal is by passing the stroller isle in babies r us with the twin strollers. My new normal sucks. But it's me it's my life feeling the loss of my child every day while holding on to my daughter is my new normal. My daughter and my husband are the things that get me going my son is the reason for my tear that I don't cry. My new normal is polar opposite of my old normal and slightly different than my middle normal. My middle normal was being able to say his name and not wanna rip out my heart. My middle normal I could still go down every isle in babies r us. My middle normal I even thought about letting Selene wear her thing two onzie that someone one had bought her. But now with my new normal I can't do that. It hurts to much. This is me and my new normal. 

Walmart

Walking through Walmart shouldn't make me sad. Yet it does, every time I go to Walmart to get anything I usually pass by the boy section, and think I should have to buy these clothes in a few years yet i wont. I wont have to unless i have a son in 3 or 4 years when we try to have another baby. Until than Selene will grow and go into big girl clothes and I won't have to buy my son clothing or diapers or anything. It makes me mad that so many people complain about having a kid. Like oh I hate when they do this or oh I hate when this happens. I would love to see my son cry, have a temper, to talk, to walk, to run and to get into things. Hell I'd even like to see him get into pots and pans and pretend he is a drummer but I cant. You however can and you push your child on your mother your sister your dad and whoever else you can. And you think your a mom. I don't think so. I would love to be able to hold both my babies but I can't I can only hold one, I can only chase one, I'll only be able to see one grow and marry and you toss your child aside like he is nothing! I don't understand parents like this. I would do anything to get into my sons business to bug him about girlfriends but I the one who wants to cant while you the one who could care less can. How is that fair. How is that right?? Don't tell me God has a plan because I don't see it. I don't see how he could take my son and leave all these parents with children they could care less about. Why can you have your child and I cannot. Why can you sing to your child and I cannot?? It isn't fair but i knew it wouldn't be I knew that I would feel like this well I have something to say if your grown enough to have sex your grown enough to take care of the child that comes after. :( I just wish life was fair I wish that I could hold my son but I cant and I'll never know what it is like to hold him

Feeling left....... Alone

So lately with the birth of my daughter and the loss of my son I have been feeling left out and alone in the wood work. Now that's not to say I haven't had people being supportive and welcoming and loving i have, however i also have been left out many people think that just because i suffered a loss meant i didn't want his name mentioned and they rarely talked about the daughter still growing inside of me. I was broken and days i still feel broken but I'm trying to help myself I'm getting my feelings out their because i don't care what you think about it. i lost my son my daughter lost a brother my husband lost a son! And guess what we as a family will always remember him we will always tell our kids how their was supposed to be one more but we lost one. Now after I've given birth i have lost what little friends i did have because i can no longer just up and go i have to pack for a little one possibly feed her before i leave. And most don't like having to wait, I'm OK i have the few friends that i know will always be their. I have my husband who will move hell and earth to make me smile laugh and have a good time and i love him for that. Last night we had a get together at our house a small BBQ, with a few close friends and let me tell you i haven't been that happy sense my daughter was born and before that was when i was married (which was a month and a half before i lost my son). I will remember last night with a fondness because i smiled laughed and felt genuinely good inside. I am starting a touting job this up coming week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and i know the extra 80 a week will help with everything and i love that I'm helping again or i will be i plan on getting my husband his Christmas present because we didn't have money in December to have Christmas i plan on it now. and if he gets on at this new job we can finally start living our life and doing things for us. Hopefully we can save enough to rent a house or apartment. Here's hoping right? Well we will see soon they are hiring in February so i guess its all waiting now right? well for once i am ending this on a happy note. i feel asleep happy woke up happy and am not crying through my writing so that is a plus right? :) thank you for reading for those waiting on your rainbow babies here's some baby dust for those that have them ill get on sending you some color for those grays :) <3

Bad Ways

When people ask whats the worst thing thats ever happened to you, most will think about the boy/girl that got away, the fight with their mom, or even the fight with a loving family member before they died correct. Now ask an angel mom the same question and the answer will always be....... Losing my baby, planning my baby's future and never getting to put that plan in action. Now take these answers and think how would you tell a mother and father that they lost a child. How would you even approach the subject. Not many people know and not many people will take the time to think, how would it feel if i lost a child that i didnt know or even that one that I only knew for a short while. I went into the ER on March 27th 2011 (the life changer as I like to call it) for cramping on my right side. I was admitted shortly after and sat in a room with my husband and 4 people on the right side with curtains between us. As I was sitting their with my husband Thomas who was trying to convince me that it was anything else I was taken back for an ultrasound and I must add that the 3 hour ultrasound was the longest most painful 3 hours of my life. As the wheeled my bed back to my ER room (because of course you cant walk in the ER right?) I was thinking the worse they wouldn't let me see the baby or the baby's heartbeat so I was worried and upset thinking I was having a miscarriage. A while later the doctor comes in and starts saying that it  could be that I have appendicitis or it could be blood in my utures or it could be a baby in my tube. My thinking that the blood would be the best thing was shortly proven wrong. I was admitted to Maternity at 545 am and was told that my doctor would be in sometime to discuss my options. As I was waiting and waiting I was making myself sick thinking the worst. My doctor came in at 8 PM on March 28th 2011 and said that I needed surgery for appendicitis. So I was hopeful thinking that my child was good and safe still alive inside me. I was awake during half of my surgery. Half way through my surgery all of the machines started beeping and i started not feeling to good. I was forced under and came to in recovery knowing something else happened. This was when I had a dream of holding a son bathed in golden light and my grandmothers holding a baby that looked like it belonged on earth i didnt know at the time I was having a girl so I believe that that was my grandmothers holding my baby while I got to hold my son for the first and last time. I awoke in recovery asking about my child's health thinking that something happened to my baby. What happened next was horrible and wouldnt wish on anyone. I was told that the baby that was in my utures was fine but the thing in my tube didnt make it. Is that how you tell someone that their surivioring child's twin has passed or even that they lost a child that they didnt know about. I started screaming for my husband at that point not wanting to hear anymore unless it came out of his mouth. I needed it to come from him, I knew that he would be nicer to me telling me that everything would be ok and that we would get through this. Three days later getting the call from the doctor and getting the information that I had cancer in my appendix is also a life changer but that is also a story for another day. This is enough to chew on :)   Thank you have a good day for those who are still waiting for their rainbow babies I'll send some baby dust your way for those who already have rainbow baby I'll send you some hair color for the grays :) <3 https://www.facebook.com/GraphicsandVideosforeveryOccasion