Live, Love, Laugh

Thinking about everything my husband and I had been through makes me think we have lived through at least 25 years of marriage in the amount of a year. Between all the hospital ER visits, the loss, the hurt, the uncertain, and the fear. Losing our son brought us so close, almost losing our daughter brought us closer, and me being in and out of the hospital brought us the closest. Their isn't much that i don't know about my husband and their isn't much he doesn't know about me. We now know how each will handle certain things that most couples wont find out about till they are married for 3,4,5 or even 6 years. I know someone who has been married for 5 years and been together for 9 years and they haven't dealt with half of what we have, I don't blame them hell I wouldn't wish anything that happened to us on the person i hated the worst in my life. I know everything we have been through makes us stronger and its hard but I feel like we can make it through anything I know we can. I just cant believe that its been a year. My daughter is almost 3 months old and is sleeping through the night hitting milestones like they are nothing. She is trying to sit up on her own and almost kinda has it. Man is that scary, well not scary but heartwarming and sad she is growing and I'm not ready next she will be eating food and saying words and potty training :/. With all of this going on it makes me think what it would be like with two. Would they both sleep through the night? Would they both be hard headed?? Would they both like five fighter death punch (the above song is Selene's favorite song)? Or would my son like my music over his dads?? Would she be a daddy's girl over a mommas girl if her twin was here?? I have so many questions and not so many answers and with everything Selene does I wonder what if her twin was here. What if Anthony was here would he beat her out on crawling and walking or talking. I'm not sure but I do know I miss him. And I know I'll always miss him. And I'll always love him.

Hard Times

Life most of us cry when were a teenager to be grown up and out on our own in the world, however now that I am 20 (almost 21) I sit back and think.... WHAT WAS I THINKING???? I long for simpler times when I relied on my parents, when I was only responsible for myself. I wouldn't change my daughter or my husband for anything I love them with all my heart and soul. I have just went through a lot in 2011 and I have to say I'm tired. I moved in with my than boyfriend, I married my husband, we found out we were expecting, we lost a son, We found out I had cancer, I beat cancer, we had a hell of a pregnancy with issues that most women don't have to even think about. As the month of March comes up I find myself more and more depressed and emotional, why I'm not to sure. Except that I miss my son, I miss having my family around twenty-four/ seven, I miss my nieces and my sister-in-laws. I know that growing up means growing apart but I wish it didn't. I just sometimes wish that I still lived in the comfort of my childhood. The easiest times where when i was still in high school and i didn't have bills and money issues. I love my life as it is, I love my family extended and real. My angel is watching out my husband my daughter and myself. With all this said I know that I wouldn't go back to my teenage years for anything I wouldn't change my choices for anything because than i wouldn't have my husband, my daughter Selene, my angel baby Anthony, my extended family. I wouldn't be as strong as I am if i hadn't gone through the trials and tribulations that I have gone through. I love my life and I love my family, my angel baby and my rainbow baby <3 I'll like you forever I'll love you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. Thank you have a good day for those who are still waiting for their rainbow babies I'll send some baby dust your way for those who already have rainbow baby I'll send you some hair color for the grays

Bad Ways

When people ask whats the worst thing thats ever happened to you, most will think about the boy/girl that got away, the fight with their mom, or even the fight with a loving family member before they died correct. Now ask an angel mom the same question and the answer will always be....... Losing my baby, planning my baby's future and never getting to put that plan in action. Now take these answers and think how would you tell a mother and father that they lost a child. How would you even approach the subject. Not many people know and not many people will take the time to think, how would it feel if i lost a child that i didnt know or even that one that I only knew for a short while. I went into the ER on March 27th 2011 (the life changer as I like to call it) for cramping on my right side. I was admitted shortly after and sat in a room with my husband and 4 people on the right side with curtains between us. As I was sitting their with my husband Thomas who was trying to convince me that it was anything else I was taken back for an ultrasound and I must add that the 3 hour ultrasound was the longest most painful 3 hours of my life. As the wheeled my bed back to my ER room (because of course you cant walk in the ER right?) I was thinking the worse they wouldn't let me see the baby or the baby's heartbeat so I was worried and upset thinking I was having a miscarriage. A while later the doctor comes in and starts saying that it  could be that I have appendicitis or it could be blood in my utures or it could be a baby in my tube. My thinking that the blood would be the best thing was shortly proven wrong. I was admitted to Maternity at 545 am and was told that my doctor would be in sometime to discuss my options. As I was waiting and waiting I was making myself sick thinking the worst. My doctor came in at 8 PM on March 28th 2011 and said that I needed surgery for appendicitis. So I was hopeful thinking that my child was good and safe still alive inside me. I was awake during half of my surgery. Half way through my surgery all of the machines started beeping and i started not feeling to good. I was forced under and came to in recovery knowing something else happened. This was when I had a dream of holding a son bathed in golden light and my grandmothers holding a baby that looked like it belonged on earth i didnt know at the time I was having a girl so I believe that that was my grandmothers holding my baby while I got to hold my son for the first and last time. I awoke in recovery asking about my child's health thinking that something happened to my baby. What happened next was horrible and wouldnt wish on anyone. I was told that the baby that was in my utures was fine but the thing in my tube didnt make it. Is that how you tell someone that their surivioring child's twin has passed or even that they lost a child that they didnt know about. I started screaming for my husband at that point not wanting to hear anymore unless it came out of his mouth. I needed it to come from him, I knew that he would be nicer to me telling me that everything would be ok and that we would get through this. Three days later getting the call from the doctor and getting the information that I had cancer in my appendix is also a life changer but that is also a story for another day. This is enough to chew on :)   Thank you have a good day for those who are still waiting for their rainbow babies I'll send some baby dust your way for those who already have rainbow baby I'll send you some hair color for the grays :) <3 https://www.facebook.com/GraphicsandVideosforeveryOccasion