Feeling left....... Alone

So lately with the birth of my daughter and the loss of my son I have been feeling left out and alone in the wood work. Now that's not to say I haven't had people being supportive and welcoming and loving i have, however i also have been left out many people think that just because i suffered a loss meant i didn't want his name mentioned and they rarely talked about the daughter still growing inside of me. I was broken and days i still feel broken but I'm trying to help myself I'm getting my feelings out their because i don't care what you think about it. i lost my son my daughter lost a brother my husband lost a son! And guess what we as a family will always remember him we will always tell our kids how their was supposed to be one more but we lost one. Now after I've given birth i have lost what little friends i did have because i can no longer just up and go i have to pack for a little one possibly feed her before i leave. And most don't like having to wait, I'm OK i have the few friends that i know will always be their. I have my husband who will move hell and earth to make me smile laugh and have a good time and i love him for that. Last night we had a get together at our house a small BBQ, with a few close friends and let me tell you i haven't been that happy sense my daughter was born and before that was when i was married (which was a month and a half before i lost my son). I will remember last night with a fondness because i smiled laughed and felt genuinely good inside. I am starting a touting job this up coming week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and i know the extra 80 a week will help with everything and i love that I'm helping again or i will be i plan on getting my husband his Christmas present because we didn't have money in December to have Christmas i plan on it now. and if he gets on at this new job we can finally start living our life and doing things for us. Hopefully we can save enough to rent a house or apartment. Here's hoping right? Well we will see soon they are hiring in February so i guess its all waiting now right? well for once i am ending this on a happy note. i feel asleep happy woke up happy and am not crying through my writing so that is a plus right? :) thank you for reading for those waiting on your rainbow babies here's some baby dust for those that have them ill get on sending you some color for those grays :) <3

Rough Day

So yesterday was a...... rough day you could say. I cried a lot yesterday realizing that it is coming up on a year sense my son left this earth. Now I'm sure some of you are saying why is she still talking about him and why cant she just get over it and blah blah blah. I am an angel mother, I miss and love my son dearly. Even if you don't understand it or if you do (I'm sorry). I was looking at my facebook which by the way is covered in pictures of my daughter and her daddy, I realized that I should be having pictures with the three of them making funny faces I should have to make the snap decision who is making the crazier face to take the picture of. But I don't have to because my son was taken from me. I only have an angel watching out for me not a (hopefullly) soon to be crawling baby boy. My daughter will never know what it is like to have an older brother by her side or maybe a few minutes younger (who knows). I wanted her to know that, I wanted her to have her twin. I feel so guilty because I didn't know I was carrying twins so every time someone would say oh your gonna give your family twins I would say NO way I'm not I'm not ready for two babies...... Is god punishing me for saying no is that why he took my sweet baby boy away? Is that why I only have one in a set of two?? Was I deemed unworthy because I said I wasn't ready for two babies?? Is it my fault?? If it is I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that I want my son if i could change it I would? All i want is to have both my kids under my roof. I need them, I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of depression because I didn't let myself feel sad while I was pregnant with Selene. So now I have a year of suppressed depression which I know isn't good for me, or my baby. I just want to be happy I just want to love life again. I just want a lot is what it seems but I don't try to ask to much so maybe just maybe someone can help me. Who knows I sure as hell don't and I'm sure you don't so why ask..... because I want to be better for Selene she needs me to Momma loves you Anthony Lynn more than the stars in the sky and brighter than the brightest sun

Hard Times

Life most of us cry when were a teenager to be grown up and out on our own in the world, however now that I am 20 (almost 21) I sit back and think.... WHAT WAS I THINKING???? I long for simpler times when I relied on my parents, when I was only responsible for myself. I wouldn't change my daughter or my husband for anything I love them with all my heart and soul. I have just went through a lot in 2011 and I have to say I'm tired. I moved in with my than boyfriend, I married my husband, we found out we were expecting, we lost a son, We found out I had cancer, I beat cancer, we had a hell of a pregnancy with issues that most women don't have to even think about. As the month of March comes up I find myself more and more depressed and emotional, why I'm not to sure. Except that I miss my son, I miss having my family around twenty-four/ seven, I miss my nieces and my sister-in-laws. I know that growing up means growing apart but I wish it didn't. I just sometimes wish that I still lived in the comfort of my childhood. The easiest times where when i was still in high school and i didn't have bills and money issues. I love my life as it is, I love my family extended and real. My angel is watching out my husband my daughter and myself. With all this said I know that I wouldn't go back to my teenage years for anything I wouldn't change my choices for anything because than i wouldn't have my husband, my daughter Selene, my angel baby Anthony, my extended family. I wouldn't be as strong as I am if i hadn't gone through the trials and tribulations that I have gone through. I love my life and I love my family, my angel baby and my rainbow baby <3 I'll like you forever I'll love you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. Thank you have a good day for those who are still waiting for their rainbow babies I'll send some baby dust your way for those who already have rainbow baby I'll send you some hair color for the grays

Mid air crawl

My daughter has mastered the mid air crawl and by that I mean she's turned her pretending to be a plane into a crawling extravaganza and man it makes her laugh so much. Why she does this I'm not to sure I know I didn't teach her to throw her arms and move her legs as though she's crawling but hey if its what she wants to do I say go for it little love. And as usual when she does something I can also feel the sadness in it as well. Because I think of Anthony,  I think would he do this also or would he prefer to be on the floor crawling, would he crawl first or would Selene because of her mid air crawl she has down. Now I don't want you to think that every time my daughter does something I get sad because I dont, I do however think of him when Selene hits her milestones and I'm ok with that I think it's healthy honestly. If I didn't think of him I would feel like no one did and he is also my baby, but he is probably going through his milestones in heaven also. And I like thinking like that, I like thinking thar even though they aren't together they are still doing things at the same time even at different places. Selene has kinda stopped holding her breath now she only really does it when she's super mad :). That makes me think would Anthony also hold his breath or would he be a mellow baby. Because not many two and a half month babies hold their breath. Man what is that saying for her teenage years :/ oh dear. Looking at Selene and seeing that screamo music calms her makes me wonder would Anthony like my music over Thomas or would he be like his sister? I used to think that my parents were crazy when they said u never know how much you can live someone till you love a child and I think now that saying is so true I don't love anyone more than I love my babies. And I have to say I am blessed I have one with me to love everyday and one in heaven watching over us all. Mommy loves you Anthony and Selene. So that's all for now thank you for reading. For thoes still waiting for their rainbow baby I'll send you some baby dust, for thoes that have their rainbow babies I'll send you some hair dye for the gray's

Bad Ways

When people ask whats the worst thing thats ever happened to you, most will think about the boy/girl that got away, the fight with their mom, or even the fight with a loving family member before they died correct. Now ask an angel mom the same question and the answer will always be....... Losing my baby, planning my baby's future and never getting to put that plan in action. Now take these answers and think how would you tell a mother and father that they lost a child. How would you even approach the subject. Not many people know and not many people will take the time to think, how would it feel if i lost a child that i didnt know or even that one that I only knew for a short while. I went into the ER on March 27th 2011 (the life changer as I like to call it) for cramping on my right side. I was admitted shortly after and sat in a room with my husband and 4 people on the right side with curtains between us. As I was sitting their with my husband Thomas who was trying to convince me that it was anything else I was taken back for an ultrasound and I must add that the 3 hour ultrasound was the longest most painful 3 hours of my life. As the wheeled my bed back to my ER room (because of course you cant walk in the ER right?) I was thinking the worse they wouldn't let me see the baby or the baby's heartbeat so I was worried and upset thinking I was having a miscarriage. A while later the doctor comes in and starts saying that it  could be that I have appendicitis or it could be blood in my utures or it could be a baby in my tube. My thinking that the blood would be the best thing was shortly proven wrong. I was admitted to Maternity at 545 am and was told that my doctor would be in sometime to discuss my options. As I was waiting and waiting I was making myself sick thinking the worst. My doctor came in at 8 PM on March 28th 2011 and said that I needed surgery for appendicitis. So I was hopeful thinking that my child was good and safe still alive inside me. I was awake during half of my surgery. Half way through my surgery all of the machines started beeping and i started not feeling to good. I was forced under and came to in recovery knowing something else happened. This was when I had a dream of holding a son bathed in golden light and my grandmothers holding a baby that looked like it belonged on earth i didnt know at the time I was having a girl so I believe that that was my grandmothers holding my baby while I got to hold my son for the first and last time. I awoke in recovery asking about my child's health thinking that something happened to my baby. What happened next was horrible and wouldnt wish on anyone. I was told that the baby that was in my utures was fine but the thing in my tube didnt make it. Is that how you tell someone that their surivioring child's twin has passed or even that they lost a child that they didnt know about. I started screaming for my husband at that point not wanting to hear anymore unless it came out of his mouth. I needed it to come from him, I knew that he would be nicer to me telling me that everything would be ok and that we would get through this. Three days later getting the call from the doctor and getting the information that I had cancer in my appendix is also a life changer but that is also a story for another day. This is enough to chew on :)   Thank you have a good day for those who are still waiting for their rainbow babies I'll send some baby dust your way for those who already have rainbow baby I'll send you some hair color for the grays :) <3 https://www.facebook.com/GraphicsandVideosforeveryOccasion

January 26th, 2011

I have decided to start this blog as a way to reach out to people, to let go of my past, to help me in starting to heal over losing my angel and gaining my rainbow.I am a twenty year old wife and mother to two. Now most won't call it two, most in fact will call it one. But I lost my son my angel baby my Anthony Lynn Hollier. He is Selene's twin brother, not was not was going to be but he is. I am an angel mother I am also a rainbow mother. Now most of you will think what is a rainbow baby, a rainbow baby is a baby born after the loss of a baby the rainbow baby is the beautiful wonder of the storm you just went threw the rainbow symbolizes the fact that you now have something wonderful to look at in mist of your sorrow. My rainbow is Selene June Hollier born on November 14th 2011 at 2:42 PM at Madera Community Hospital the same hospital where 8 long months earlier I lost a son. Anthony Lynn Hollier was born March 28th, 2011 at 9:45 PM. I wasn't told in the nicest of ways that I was an angel mom nor was I told in the nicest of ways that my daughter should have and would have been a twin had things been a tad different but that is a story for another day. Today is all about the good and introductions, the good I AM A MOTHER, the introductions I AM A MOTHER TO AN ANGEL BABY AND A RAINBOW BABY and I A PROUD!!! I am in love with my best friend Thomas Owen Hollier. Thank you for reading for now I must go take care of my rainbow baby Selene Thank you have a good day for those who are still waiting for their rainbow babies I'll send some baby dust your way for those who already have rainbow baby I'll send you some hair color for the grays :) <3