Pondering

As I sit here at my parents house with my daughter in the swing, I am thinking. I know I haven't really been writing lately and I wonder why. I have honestly stepped back from some of my baby loss groups. I think that I wanted some time away from my loss. My Anthony is always with me and always will be but I was starting to feel as though I was missing out on my life because my depression was starting to consume me. And I didn't want that. Yes I want my daughter to know of her twin but I don't want her to think that it is a sad thing. Yes it is sad but I want her to be happy she has a twin brother watching over her from heaven. I know my husband thinks I'm insane missing something we barely had so much but he was my baby. I'll always miss him and love him. Momma misses you baby boy.Visit me in my dreams so momma can rock you and hold you.

Wondering

Thinking about who you would be. Would you love tummy time or would you hate it like your sister? Would you love me like your sister loves your daddy? These questions make my heart break my eyes water and my arms ache. I dream of you and your sister eventually playing. I dream of you all the time mommy misses you. I know alway look at your sister and think I should have one more baby rolling over. I love your sister and your dad but I miss you to. I wish that I had you both. I wish things hadn't gone horribly wrong last March. I love you and miss you baby boy

Almost here feeling gone

The day I found out you existed is almost here March 13th 2011 and you were my world my life. All of a sudden I thought for someone so little so helpless. And at the time I thought their was only one of you. I thought that their would only be one baby to expand my heart come to find out their was to. I denied it when everyone said your going to have twins. I said no because no one in my family has had twins and yet you two existed together for a short amount of time. By still you lived. I loved you with all of my heart and I know that you love me and miss me.I cannot believe it has almost been a year sense you graced my life with yours. And almost a year sense you left. I miss u and love you. Please watch over your sister and your dad.

Countdown

The count down till the day you left me has started I have 23 days till it has been one year. I'm honestly not looking forward to it. I lost the cupcake charming bought for you yesterday. And the keychain I have with your name and date is losing all it's oil. And I feel like my world is slowly falling apart. I miss you. I know I didn't hold you or kiss you. Hell I didn't even know I had two small people inside me and I hate that I now know the pain of losing some one so small someone who I didn't even know but loved so completely. Are you watching over us? Is it you your sister talks to? I don't know I do know that you need to look out for her and your momma and your daddy. We all miss you. I know you didn't stay long but the few weeks I had you I loved it. I would gladly go through my entire pregnancy again if it meant I could have you back. My life isn't the same, I'm not the same. I'm broken and ugly on the inside. But I put a happy face on for your dad and your sister she needs me. They both need me . I know that and I know that I need to be strong for them. But it's hard and tiring trying to be happy all the time. It used to be no big deal. I could smile with the best of them. And now I frown and hid and try not to stand out. I want to blend in so people won't see what I've become. A sad broken half a person human being. Man I sound sad and ridiculous and I know this but it's how I feel.

March

The dreaded month has finally arrived :/. After a year the month of doom is here. I know that every year March has come and gone and every year I treated it as every other month because it wasn't any thing special. However this year the month brings my sons first angel anniversary in heaven. I have gotten birthday cake smelling tarts or melters. They are in the shape of feet and are blue and pink for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. I cannot wait to melt them until than I am melting green feet smelling of cheese cake. I am stronger because of everything I've been through. My husband and I are stronger as a couple. I miss my son and will always miss him. I love him. My daughter got her bear in the mail today from project B.E.A.R. She has played with it and say in her swing with it. I of course took a picture. And I wanted to cry it is the only picture I will ever have of them. My daughter and a beat in memory for her brother. Her twin the one who will always watch over her. I love you little man. Mommy misses you and loves you.

Unsure

I'm unsure as to what I should be feeling. Your one year is coming up and I still am depressed. I still miss you. I still want you back. I am hoping once March is over I hope I feel a little better. I have a couple things coming in the mail soon with your name on them. I think I will feel better once I have some tangible. I hope that once I have something to hold that has your name on it I won't be as depressed. I love u baby boy. Mommy missed you. I wish you hadn't left but understand that you were to beautiful for earth. Can you image if you and your sister were together here on earth the trouble you two would get into. I miss you I love you baby.

Living life

Moving forward from the past to build your future. I believe all people learn from others past in my sorrow I have learned it could be much much worse. No grief is greater or less than another's but it is different all equal in sadness. But what I find truly saddening is when people do not learn. Every one should turn an experience into a learning one. I have learned from my parents mistakes. I have become a better person because I have learned from other people. My life is richer because I know no matter what I have people behind me to help fix my mistakes. Not many people will admit to wrong doings but I will. I am not a perfect person and neither are you but we are not horrible people. We make mistakes we learn we grow and than we move on. We are young no matter how old we can always learn something . Always love yourself your children your family and your other half make mistakes but learn from them. Till next time much love and respect :).